I sat here in the stillness and quiet of the house, scrolling through Facebook, seeing all the Christmas posts and memes, reading comments on my own posts and answering those.
Struggling with the “Merry Christmas” words.
And wondering why.
This being my 11th Christmas without Rick, shouldn’t it be easier, come more natural to say those words, “Merry Christmas”?
But then, I think.
Those 2 words are so loaded for me.
They are not just a greeting.
They are a doorway into everything Christmas used to be with Rick.
The shared meaning.
The private language.
The quiet glances.
The laughter.
The conversations that made this season feel so inhabited, instead of simply performed.
Saying “Merry Christmas” feels like I am being asked, or expected, to summarize a complicated season in 2 words that are to be filled with good cheer and happiness.
As well as pretending there is continuity, instead of this rupture that has become my continuity.
Then, there is the speaking “joy and merry” aloud when what I truly feel is way too layered for 2 words – there is love, memory, absence, gratitude, ache, missing.
I am struggling with the words of “Merry Christmas” – not because I am bitter.
But because those words no longer match my internal truth – and it’s hard for me to be anything but honest and true.
Sigh.
For me, Christmas is not “Merry”.
It is meaningful.
It is tender.
It is heavy.
It is Beautiful.
And it is incomplete.
My soul knows the difference, and since I write and speak from the soul
– therein lies my struggle.
“Merry Christmas” is a broadcast phrase.
It is public and generalized.
My life, and my grief, are not.
I learned love through conversation.
Not slogans.
So, yes, the shorthand of “Merry Christmas” feels false.
That doesn’t mean Christmas has defeated me.
It means love, and loss, changed the way I speak.
It is not loss of faith, or even joy.
It does mean that I do not owe the season language it has not earned.
I am not doing Christmas wrong – just working to do it truthfully.
I do wish you peace this Christmas.
I think of each one of you so much, so often.
I hope today holds something gentle and even joy-filled for you.
You are so very LOVED! 
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