The Death Crawl

I keep thinking about Adam - how he walked with You, and talked with You, in absolute perfection - and yet, he was lonely.

I think about what Paul said about remaining alone.

I know YOU understand me better than I understand myself, better than I can explain.

But, God, I still feel guilty - shouldn't YOU be enough?

Why is my skin so hungry?

Why does my heart ache so deeply?

Why is my soul downcast within me so easily?

 

Is this the coming home of the meaning - take up Your cross and follow me, daily. 

Just for today.

TODAY. ? ? ?

I think about the movie, "Facing the Giants".

That one iconic scene.

The "death crawl"

Brock was blindfolded. 

On his knees, with 160 pounds on his back. 

His knees could not touch the ground.

Coach never left his side.

Coach never stopped talking to him, encouraging him, telling him he could do this.

Brock had to stop and rest a moment, take a breath, and push forward.

Coach did not take the weight off of him.

Coach did not allow him to quit.

Coach did not do the death crawl for him.

BUT - Coach was there, every step, every move, every breath.

When Brock didn't think he could go on, Coach got on the ground with him -

Coach could see where he was.

Coach could see how far he had come, and how close he was to victory.

Coach was on his hands and knees, using his voice until he was hoarse.

Coach didn't give up either.

Is this my death crawl? 

Will You be with me right there - as my Coach, as much as he was in that movie?

Is this the reality of being "surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses"? 

Like the team was surrounding Brock in the movie?

God, I have stopped so many times to catch my breath.

I have grown weak and weary.

My legs and arms are shaking.

How many more steps do I have within me? 

How many more steps must I take before I can rest?

God, help me.

5 smooth stones. 

FAITH.

Facing the giant of TODAY.

God, help me.

Save me O God. 

Only You can.

God, I don't know where I am at in this death crawl - 

I am blindfolded - I cannot see. 

But please, I just need to know without a doubt or question that You are here with me.

Even if I can't see Your Face, I need to hear Your Voice.

God, I'm tired, oh so weary. 

The weight is so heavy.

I am shaking all over.

My soul is on fire, there must be blisters on my heart by now.

Please dear God, Coach, don't leave me!

I cannot do this without You!

Only YOU know how far I have come.

Only YOU know how close is the victory.

Only YOU know how much longer I must bear this weight.

Please dear God, Coach - help me.