Deeper

 In this world of being a widow, everyone seems to be moving forward but me.

Others are building, blossoming, becoming.

I watch them go forward, with eyes shining bright, with firm steps, with feet that seem so sure upon that same ground that crumbles beneath my own steps.

I see their timelines on social media – blooming with new beginnings, with milestones and with miracles.

Here I am. 

Just as I am.

My feet, up to my knees, buried in the muck and mire of just breathing.

I’m tired of thinking that I am stuck, or that I have missed something.

Perhaps, just maybe . . . I am only buried.

Maybe the darkness that surrounds me is not a delay, maybe it is a depth.

Maybe I am not behind, maybe I am simply being held.

Drinking coffee early one morning, I heard the slightest Whisper.

“You are not moving backward. You are not stuck. You are moving deeper. You are becoming stronger.”

Deeper into the ache that I used to try and numb.

Deeper into the questions that I used to silence.

Deeper into the Presence that I used to fear, because It asked more of me than to just survive, just to endure.

I do not see myself as blooming.

But I am becoming.

Roots do not shout.

Foundations are not trendy.

Wells are not seen from the surface viewpoints – but they are where the water flows.

Yes, others may be moving forward, and I hope they are moving deeper, too.

Deeper into the mystery.

Deeper into the realness of Faith.

Deeper into trusting the Lord when so very afraid.

I asked God for a breakthrough, He gave me a burial – so He could raise me different.

I asked God for a forward life, He gave me depth – so I would not collapse under pressure.

There is an altar in my silence.

There is an oil pressing in this crushing.

I cannot chart the distance – how far I have to go –

But I know I am not lost.

I am planted – for His growing.

Not still, just unseen.

As the old Gospel song says, “God of the mountaintop is God of the valley.”

God is not threatened by the slowness.

God is not offended by my cries.

God is not in a rush.

He knows what glory costs.

He knows how to resurrect what has been buried in surrender.

Thank You, God . . . I am not behind.

Thank You, God . . . I am not stuck.

Thank You, God . . . I am not forgotten.

Thank You, God . . . I am being rooted.

Thank You, God . . . I am moving deeper.

And God, Thank You – for seeing, for hearing, for knowing, more than I do 😉